There are no words to express the amazing feeling that has surrounded me and my family the past week, and I am a firm believer that it is due in great part to the amazing level of support, prayer, and warm thoughts sent in this direction.
I feel incredibly blessed, amidst our grief, to have such a beautiful and vast support network full of friends, and strangers alike. Over just the past few days my blog has been visited hundreds of times by people from nearly 35 countries across the globe, and commented on by some of the sweetest women in the world. Saying that I have been blown away by the response is a vast understatement. I have cried tears of joy for the friendship that has surrounded us, and cried tears of grief for those of you who have struggled with your own losses and fertility difficulties. I am afraid I do not have the right words to help you heal, but I hope upon hope that you can feel the love extending your direction.
To everyone who shared a part of yourself with me, who offered words of encouragement, who prayed silently, who sent warm feelings our way... I thank you. There are no words... Just thank you. From the bottom of our hearts.
I had hit rock bottom when I wrote my last post. Sometimes it feels like life dishes out far too much for one person to bear. Music has been a big part of my healing process. Held by Natalie Grant, Glory Baby by Watermark, and Praise You in the Storm by Casting Crowns have all been songs that have really resonated with me lately. Many times I find myself sobbing by the end... tears of release and grief and learning to let go all at once.
Hubby, being an incredible support to me (through is own grief, bless him) and being the veteran spouse of a scrapbooker, knew that even this devastating time deserved to be remembered so that we could grow from it and look back with clarity someday. He captured this picture of me one afternoon this week, as I sat reading a book on grief and loss (one I would highly recommend by the way).
While it is far from my most flattering photograph, it is real, and a picture of what grief looks like, at least in my life. This photo definitely moved me when I saw it for the first time. Really, it took my breath away as I uploaded the photos from this week. Its one thing to feel your grief. Its another thing altogether to see it.
What surprised me even more, however, was how I could see a change as the days went on. I learned to smile again. To laugh again. To find purpose in waking up and putting on makeup just because and going for a drive in the country where not one person in the world will actually get to see said makeup. I slowly learned how to live again, knowing that even though there will always be that missing piece absent in my heart, there is so much more of my heart left that needs to be shared with the people I love so much in my life right now, at this moment.
I even got a new haircut. (change is goooood)
While we thankfully haven't had to cook a thing, thanks to the incredible generosity of our FRG, Chaplain, and the local mom's group in the area, I did decide to bake a bit yesterday, just to stretch that culinary muscle and see if I can get to feeling a little more "normal" - a pinch at a time.
I made some strawberry muffins that got snatched up immediately. I think I actually got to eat one. There is no question these were a hit with the kiddos & hubby alike!
Next I decided to get a little more adventurous and try something kinda different. Have you ever tried a grape muffin? Me neither. But that didn't stop me, and I'm so glad that it didn't. I absolutely LOVED these! They tasted so so fresh and sweet and muffin-y!! They tasted almost like the muffins you buy from Little Debbie, but with fresh fruit added in here and there. SO good. Yummm.
While muffins may not make the world go round, or be a sign that all is completely better, I'm hoping that reaching back into the world I love - of home, creativity and family - will lead me to more healing and growth.
Thank you all again for being so incredible to me. I have a lot in store for you upcoming, and I hope that in some small way I can give back even one iota of what has been given to me. I am so incredibly grateful to each of you. As I said before, there are no words.