Reclaiming The Home

Where to Begin?

June has been a difficult month for my family.  I really am struggling with how to begin to talk about it here.  I suppose I will just jump into it.

 Most of you know that this week we spent several days down in Texas at an Autism clinic to get Abbi evaluated and to work on a course of treatment from this point forward.  These are a few of the primary markers.  Abbi exhibits nearly every one.

 

As you may have guessed by now, as of Monday, Abbi has been officially diagnosed with severe Autism.  In addition to this, she has been given a primary diagnosis of Global Developmental Delay.

We have been battling mixed feelings about all of this the past few days.  While it is something we have expected for years, there is definitely a sense of grief that comes with the finality of having these diagnoses written in stone, so to speak.

There were many things that seemed to hit home and catch us off guard this week.  We had always known for example, that Abbi is developmentally delayed.  What we didn't realize however, is that her average developmental age is that of a 6-9 month old baby.  We had suspected she was somewhere in the 18 month range, but we were mistaken.  Hearing that our beautiful, nearly-seven-year-old daughter was functioning at the level of a baby was heart-wrenching. 

There have been many moments where Kevin and I have just held each other and cried or vented at the unfairness and fragility of life.  Even still, we are doing the best we can to try to think proactively rather than succumbing to the constant pull to give up and just sit under the covers and sob.  (Have I mentioned that June has been a tough month?)

Back to the proactive part.

One of the primary reasons that we went to this clinic was to gain a new plan of action for Abbi to try to help her as much as we possibly can.   Her doctors worked together all day Monday to come up with the right plan for her.

The first thing the team wants to do is continue with more testing.  They are planning to do a swallow study to see if there is a medical reason, beyond her sensory issues, that is causing her to eat so poorly.  We will need to go back to San Antonio for this test.

They want to do more genetic testing as well.  For anyone out there who has had genetic testing done and is still looking for answers, this is something I hope you will find interesting.  Abbi has had an incredible amount of genetic testing done to see if we could figure out what was the primary cause of her disabilities (they consider Autism a symptom of a bigger "umbrella" diagnosis).  The doctors described to us that she has had more blood drawn for genetic testing throughout the course of her life than exists in her body today.  Up until two years ago (our last Geneticist appointment) they had tested her for everything that would even remotely fit her condition.  In addition to the blood tests, they have done spinal taps, biopsies, MRI's, CT scans, and the list goes on and on and on, all without one single answer.  Long story short (too late), they told us of a new genetic test that has emerged over the course of the last 2 years. The type of testing they had been able to do before when looking at her chromosomes consisted of a very vague "birds eye view."  They were able to examine the basics of the chromosomes to see if they were all there, out of order, etc.  They could not however, gain an up-close look at each of the chromosomes individually in this type of test.  Now they can get detailed views to see exactly what each chromosome looks like, specific properties, and if there are any abnormalities or deformities as well.  All of this can be done here with one simple blood draw.  Not only will this help to shed light on to what is going on with Abbi (our primary concern), but it may also give us more information about why I have had such trouble with infertility and miscarriages.

Now... if you made it through that lengthy genetic discussion, thank you.  More interesting information ahead, I promise.

The final bout of testing that they have suggested at this juncture is an I.Q. test.  The doctors described to us that her I.Q. is much different from her developmental level, and that in most kids with Autism their intelligence is much higher than what they are able to express.  He also said that if this is not the case, and her I.Q. test comes back lower than expected, we will have to look at the possibility that Abbi may never be capable of learning much more.  He used the word mental retardation.  Because I can hear that word in a medical context and think of what it means (quite simply - retarded means delayed), I can grasp that diagnosis without as much defensiveness as some.  My husband is so protective of our children, and loves them so so much, that it physically pained him to hear her condition referred to as "Mentally Retarded."  I don't really know that the sting ever goes away hearing the list of conditions that get tagged onto your child to describe them as defective in the medical sense. 

To us, Abbi is perfect, and will always be Abbi, no matter what her medical records say.  Even though we know logically, that she is going through all of this, and that we are trying to navigate it as a family, it is difficult to have to face things in such a raw way sometimes.  Still, because we have known her and loved her for her entire life, she does not seem "defective" to us, if that makes sense.  All that this is, is an opportunity to better understand all that she has on her plate to deal with, so that we can help her better.

On that note, to help her delays, they are suggesting that she continue on with Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy and then start Speech Therapy - 1hr each per week.  In addition to all of that, to really really help her with the Autism aspect of it, they are suggesting an intensive ABA program for her, that will span 25 hours per week.  When they first told me that I was taken so aback by the amount of time that I asked them to repeat themselves.  I have since learned that ABA Therapy requires an intensive schedule like this to really work. There are several types of ABA Therapy and each Therapist will also do things a little differently.  You can read about the general idea here if you're interested.  We are going to push for the reward based (instead of aversion based) therapy for her as that seems to align with our parenting style the most, and it will also provide a highly effective teaching method for her.

Unfortunately, there are no speech availabilities here, and there are no ABA Therapists within driving distance for us here.  To my knowledge, there are no ABA Therapists in the state of Oklahoma.

Because of that, and because Abbi has a need for so many specific specialists (Developmental Pediatrician, Developmental Psychologist, Pediatric Neurologist, etc etc etc), the Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP) is putting in for a Compassionate Reassignment for us to a post that has all of the services Abbi could need.  There are a few options (Ft. Hood, Ft. Sam, and D.C.), but the best option of all is Ft. Sam in San Antonio.  We have family there, so we would have a built in support system.  They have two military medical centers, all with doctors Abbi has seen before and is working with currently.  There is a large # of ABA & Speech Therapists in the area that we could choose from.  Medically Ft. Sam makes the most sense.

There are also state-funded Autism-specific daycare centers there that would take her. They also provide daycare services to siblings of Autistic children, which is no less than a blessing if we do get to go.  I have been in contact with over 35 daycare centers in our current area, and not one of them has said that they feel equipped to handle her, which has left me without an opportunity to work or go back to school.  While I am happy to do whatever I can for my girls, and my family, I am also so anxious to have a little time to myself to refresh now and again.  I know something like that would do a world of good for all of us!

The predominant difficulty in all of this, logistically, is that Kevin will have to re-class with the military and find a different type of job.  The paperwork is being submitted by the end of the week for the Compassionate Reassignment, so things will start moving pretty quickly over the next couple months.

All in all, this is good news.  Its been an incredibly emotional journey this past week, and one that I am glad I can say we are done with for now.  I know this is just the first step in so many ways, but I feel that at the very least we are finally on the right track.

Thank you all for sticking with me so far.  I know this has been incredibly long.  I will be getting back to sewing here soon and will have a lot to share with you home & creativity wise.  There are a lot of wonderful things in the works here behind the scenes, including a few more giveaways, so stay tuned.

I'll leave you with a parting shot of my little beauty... We love you Abbi.

 

Warning: Dangerous Curves Ahead

Things are changing for us around the Rose household... So so many changes.  It is kind-of scary, to be honest, all these unexpected turns we have been taking and that we know lay ahead of us on this road of life.  There is no doubt that some of the stops along this road of life have been heart wrenching.

(Goodbye baby... we love you.  We just hope that some deserving family will be better able to care for their baby now.)

But we are trying to remember that there are some exciting moments to the changes ahead as well, as we leave some of the pain of the past behind us and move forward with healing and anticipation.

Abbi is going to an Autism evaluation with the leading experts in Autism diagnostic criteria down in San Antonio.  We are driving down to Texas this morning, and will be there until next Wednesday.  This appointment brings us to a fork in the road for Abbi's care and her future.  What these doctors say will drastically impact the road we take from here. 

Needless to say we are nervous.  We have spent the past several weeks getting things in order for this trip, meeting with occupational and physical therapists to get evaluations to take with us, prepared as much as we could family wise, and filled out 26 pages of difficult questions about Abbi's abilities and disabilities, many of which brought us to tears.  We live with it every day but we don't often dwell on all that is wrong or how it is affecting our family.  Being forced to focus on that isn't easy.  But, "like a trooper," as mom would say, we pushed through it, and now move on to the next phase in this journey.

Part of Abbi's problems with Autism and Sensory Integration Disorder, is her inability to wait or have patience.  She has no control over her emotions and its difficult for her to sit still in situations where she is uncomfortable.  As a result, hospital stays are often difficult.  One thing we have found to combat this is a miniature DVD player.  We have now been through 3 of them, and a laptop - all of which have become victim to the drooling, dropping, and other mishaps that are bound to happen when children are the primary users of expensive electronic equipment.  As a result, I designed a case that is padded with fleece, and also has a waterproof layer.  It can cover the entire DVD player when its not in use, and can be easily slipped over the bottom half of the player while the movies are playing, so that it remains waterproof (and drool free).  The pocket on top is to hold the DVD remote.  The left side of the case (not shown) has open "windows" so that we can access the ac adapter, volume control & on/off button while still covered.  

(I of course used the fabric from my fat quarter stash as well, and was left with about 4x7" of fabric leftover from this project's fat quarter to be used at a later date).

All in all - I know that we are embarking on a great adventure ahead.  There may be some scary curves ahead, but we're determined to focus on the scenery along the way as we head toward our destination, wherever that may be.  It's all about the journey anyway.

Contest Winner!

First I want to say WOW!  I am *so* impressed with all of the amazing ideas you ladies shared with me.  I can tell you right now that a large majority of my summer crafting will come from the ideas you gave me.  I am constantly amazed by the talent and inspiration out there in the crafting world and you gals just brought it home for me in a real way.  Thank you for all your suggestions!  I wish I could give each one of you a prize!

I can however give away one prize, and the winner of the drawing was Post # 17 - Renell!!  Congratulations!  She had some wonderful tips for making hair bandannas for the girls and their dollies (like the American Girls do!).  She also suggested to sew up some pretty lavender sachets. *Swoon*!

Send me an email with your shipping address and I'll get it out to you asap!

Creativity Challenge & a Giveaway!

What a day!  I spent most of yesterday completely ignoring the messy house around me, and instead spent my time putting some creative energies to use. 

I pulled out this stack of fat quarters I got from JoAnn's Fabrics a while back and decided that part of my summer project will be finding ways to completely use these up, and seeing how many projects I can do with these 5 yards of fabric.

If you have any suggestions or ideas for this PLEASE let me know!  I am definitely looking for some inspiration.  A small quilt is among the projects ahead of me, but there is much more fabric than I could possibly need for that here and I'd like to try some new things.

Yesterday I did try something new.  I went ahead and created a fabric-covered journal yesterday - my first hand-bound book!  I thought it would be a perfect place to jot down creative ideas, or just write daily thoughts in.

I used denim for the lining (part of a recycled jumper actually), and a button from the stash.  There is scalloped stitching along the edges in a butter yellow thread that matches the flowers on the cover.  The tie is just embroidery thread that i braided to give it a little more weight/strength.  The paper inside is basic lined writing paper, turned sideways for some creative variation - about 400 sheets!

I have decided to offer this journal as a prize for a giveaway here on the blog.  If you want to be entered to win, reply here and share your creative idea for using up fat quarters (or another creative idea of some kind!!).  Tomorrow night (Thursday night) at midnight I will draw a name from those of you who replied as the winner and will announce it in my next blog entry!

Onion Bread and Whatnot

Yes, have a thing for onion bread. 

I tried a new recipe today and it turned out pretty good - not as good as my usual recipe (which I'll try again, photograph, and post about later in the week) - but still good!  This one was pretty interesting in that it used green onions instead of white onions.  I had a ton in the fridge that needed to be used, so this is what came of it.  Being that it started as a bread machine recipe, its bound to be that there are a few kinks in transferring it to oven-baked goodness.  If you have a bread machine, I'd encourage you to give it a try and let me know what you think.  I followed the directions to the recipe exactly except that i hand kneaded it, let it rise about 2 hours, kneaded again and rose 2 hours more (took that long to get a good rise out of it, and it still came out rather chewy, albeit quite tasty!).

SO.  Other than baking, life seems to be pretty mild around here lately.  I have long debated about how much I should open up and be "raw" here (being that its my homemaking blog, and not so much a personal journal up to this point).  Because I think its important to keep being real, I have decided not to hide my grief on here, healing slowly though I may be.  I don't want to put on a front for you, my readers.  With me, its typically "what you see is what you get."  I do promise to focus on homemaking and creativity, but I'm going to include more of me here too.  So hang tight. :)

It seems a lot of our time lately has been spent trying not to dwell on our losses, and focus on the bounty around us, though certainly pangs of sorrow and grief creep in here and there.  Late at night seems to be the hardest for me now, with so much time to think and remember.  Sometimes as I'm going about my day I find myself with a tear on my cheek and I won't even remember crying.  I think possibly my body is still feeling the grief of losing this little one in even those moments when my mind is distracted. 

Its all a process, and one that takes time and the practice of living to get through.  I know with our last miscarriage we never stopped missing our little one, and I know we won't with this baby either.  Based on what we experienced last time with healing and moving on with life, I can say only that the pain subsides a little as we go on with the business of living our day to day lives, but the sorrow of missing our children will never go.  It sits idly most days on the rafters of our minds until we're reminded that our family is missing someone (seeing a pregnant belly, going through the holidays, or seeing a child that would have been around the same age for example).  Its never completely gone, as with the grief of any loss.  Right now my comfort lies in the fact that there is healing in living and finding joy in life again, whatever ways we can.

I am submersing myself back into the things that have meant something to me.  Creativity.  Home.  Family.  Friendships.  New dreams for the future.

One thing that I am hoping to do is to find new ways to be creative.  I'm hoping to have a project of some sort that I'm working on every day.  They don't have to be substantial, but finding ways to express creativity helps me feel like I'm moving forward, and also gives such a great sense of satisfaction at having completed something unique with my own two hands.  I don't know that there is anything quite like that feeling of fulfillment that comes from finishing a project.

Having a daily creativity challenge for myself is something I'm really excited about.  Does anyone want to join in with me this summer?

Summer Activities

The weather has been getting warmer and warmer as the summer season begins, and that is also a signal for us that it is almost time for hubby to PCS again for a month.  Its part of the Army life, but its never easy.  We're trying to look at it as an opportunity for me to have some really special one on one (or two) time with the kids.

We are busy lately trying to plan some fun activities to choose from and keep us busy while hubby is away. 

What kinds of things do you do in these warmer months?  Do you have any fond memories as a child of things you did in the summer?

Here's the list so far.  We probably wont get to them all, but that's okay because we're the type that like to have options!  I'll add to it as I get more ideas, so be sure to check back too! :)

1. Playdates with other kids (and moms).  I'm hoping that this will help us to feel a little less isolated, and give the kids a little freedom to play with their peers and use their imagination.
2. Run through the sprinkler
3. Play in the kiddie pool out back
4. Go to the local spray park
5. Go to the playground
6. Go to McDonalds (I know, I know, but its air conditioned!)
7. Have a picnic dinner out at the wildlife refuge
8. Have a themed day (like 50's diner day where we all dress up, eat cheeseburgers & milkshakes & dance to 50's tunes)
9. Have girly makeover nights (Anna would love this)
10. Go to a u-pick farm and pick fresh fruit
11. Go for a drive and photograph some of the livestock at local farms (from the fence) just for fun
12. Cooking and baking together (i got three new books at the thrift store that are great for this)
13. Make shaved ice (with fruit juice) - yummmmm
14. Paint, color, draw....
15. Make craft projects (ideas for toddlers???)
16. Make a bird feeder
17. Soapy water in a big rubbermaid bin with lots of cups, pots and pans, etc.
18. Start a compost pile (Anna would love helping with this)
19. Sidewalk chalk on our back porch
20. Painting with water on the concrete
21. Blow Bubbles
22. Work in the yard/garden together
23. Watch movies together (yay netflix)
24. Make some Christmas presents together
25. Make smores and camp in the living room
26. Conduct a puppet show with/for the kids
27. Read a LOT
28. Make home-made ice cream
29. Go to one of the free summer movies at the theater (cartoony)
30. Make homemade pizza with friends
31. Sensory activities (refer to ideas in The Out of Sync Child Has Fun)
32. Go to the dollar store together with $5 each
33. Play with playdough
34. Play with musical instruments.  See what we can turn into musical instruments from around the house
35. Play in the mud.  Make a big mess of mud in a plastic tub outside with another tub of fresh water - and give them strainers, cups, etc.  Dont forget the camera for this one ;)
36. Make slime

*I don't want to forget to video tape so hubby can see when he gets home!

Thank you.

There are no words to express the amazing feeling that has surrounded me and my family the past week, and I am a firm believer that it is due in great part to the amazing level of support, prayer, and warm thoughts sent in this direction. 

I feel incredibly blessed, amidst our grief, to have such a beautiful and vast support network full of friends, and strangers alike.  Over just the past few days my blog has been visited hundreds of times by people from nearly 35 countries across the globe, and commented on by some of the sweetest women in the world.  Saying that I have been blown away by the response is a vast understatement. I have cried tears of joy for the friendship that has surrounded us, and cried tears of grief for those of you who have struggled with your own losses and fertility difficulties. I am afraid I do not have the right words to help you heal, but I hope upon hope that you can feel the love extending your direction.

To everyone who shared a part of yourself with me, who offered words of encouragement, who prayed silently, who sent warm feelings our way... I thank you. There are no words... Just thank you.  From the bottom of our hearts.

I had hit rock bottom when I wrote my last post.  Sometimes it feels like life dishes out far too much for one person to bear.  Music has been a big part of my healing process.  Held by Natalie Grant, Glory Baby by Watermark, and Praise You in the Storm by Casting Crowns have all been songs that have really resonated with me lately.  Many times I find myself sobbing by the end... tears of release and grief and learning to let go all at once.

Hubby, being an incredible support to me (through is own grief, bless him) and being the veteran spouse of a scrapbooker, knew that even this devastating time deserved to be remembered so that we could grow from it and look back with clarity someday.  He captured this picture of me one afternoon this week, as I sat reading a book on grief and loss (one I would highly recommend by the way). 

 

While it is far from my most flattering photograph, it is real, and a picture of what grief looks like, at least in my life.  This photo definitely moved me when I saw it for the first time.  Really, it took my breath away as I uploaded the photos from this week.  Its one thing to feel your grief.  Its another thing altogether to see it.

What surprised me even more, however, was how I could see a change as the days went on.  I learned to smile again.  To laugh again.  To find purpose in waking up and putting on makeup just because and going for a drive in the country where not one person in the world will actually get to see said makeup.  I slowly learned how to live again, knowing that even though there will always be that missing piece absent in my heart, there is so much more of my heart left that needs to be shared with the people I love so much in my life right now, at this moment.

I even got a new haircut.  (change is goooood)

While we thankfully haven't had to cook a thing, thanks to the incredible generosity of our FRG, Chaplain, and the local mom's group in the area, I did decide to bake a bit yesterday, just to stretch that culinary muscle and see if I can get to feeling a little more "normal" - a pinch at a time.

I made some strawberry muffins that got snatched up immediately.  I think I actually got to eat one.  There is no question these were a hit with the kiddos & hubby alike!

Next I decided to get a little more adventurous and try something kinda different.  Have you ever tried a grape muffin?  Me neither.  But that didn't stop me, and I'm so glad that it didn't.  I absolutely LOVED these!  They tasted so so fresh and sweet and muffin-y!!  They tasted almost like the muffins you buy from Little Debbie, but with fresh fruit added in here and there.  SO good.  Yummm.

While muffins may not make the world go round, or be a sign that all is completely better, I'm hoping that reaching back into the world I love - of home, creativity and family - will lead me to more healing and growth.

Thank you all again for being so incredible to me.  I have a lot in store for you upcoming, and I hope that in some small way I can give back even one iota of what has been given to me.  I am so incredibly grateful to each of you.  As I said before, there are no words. 

Thank you.

Miscarriage.

I want to preface this post by saying that I know this is a homemaking / creative blog, and that I know you don't come here to read about my personal problems.  Still, after some thought, I have felt led to open up a bit, and to talk about this because I think that it is important for SO many reasons.  I hope you'll bear with me, but if you don't want to read on, I totally understand that as well, and hope you'll come back for more of "the usual" soon.

I decided to write about this because miscarriage is something that is far more common than many people realize. Those who have never had one (and I am so relieved for those of you who haven't), many don't realize how startling the #'s are.  If you have had a miscarriage or a still birth, you have probably met a dozen or more women who have experienced a similar story.  Many of you still, who have lost a little one, may be feeling alone, or hushed into silent grief because of our culture's inability to recognize miscarriage as a true loss in so many ways...

According to Fertility Truth, "Miscarriage statistics can be dramatic. Miscarriage reportedly occurs in 20 percent of all pregnancies. However, according to some sources, this may be an inaccurate number. Many women, before realizing a life has begun forming within them, may miscarry without knowing it-assuming their miscarriage is merely a heavier period. Therefore, the miscarriage rate may be closer to 40 or 50 percent. Of the number of women who miscarry, 20 percent will suffer recurring miscarriages."

I am in that 20%.  This is my second miscarriage.  It does NOT get easier.

Having been through this twice now, I can tell you without doubt that unless they have been through it (and sometimes not even then), people never really know what to say when a person loses a baby in pregnancy. 
I went to the store the other day to pick up a pair of sunglasses so that my tear-stained eyes wouldn't shock everyone into a state of pity when I'm walking around in public.  The woman behind the counter asked me how I was.  How do you respond to that, when your heart feels as though it has been ripped into a thousand pieces and stomped on in an act of pure betrayal and perversion of innocence that occurred within your very own body??

I stammered on my answer, and finally decided that it was time to honor my pain.  No, I'm not fine.  "I had a miscarriage on Tuesday," I told her.  "So I'm not great."  She looked at me like I had just hit her with a stun gun.  I imagine hearing something like that after asking a hundred people before me the canned "how are you?" would indeed be shocking.  But I have no social filter right now.  I don't think I have ever been quite so transparent.  She composed herself and smiled and said, "Aww, I don't know what to say."  I just told her that there is nothing she needs to say, thanked her, and left.

I have gotten all types of responses.  I have gotten everything from "Its God's will" to "you can always have another," to "the baby would have probably been disabled."  I have even been told that I shouldn't even be sad because at least I have two children.  I won't even get into my feelings on those (and other) responses, other than that they hurt to the core.  If you want to know why, I will elaborate later.  For now, I will just confirm for any out there reading that they hurt.  Bad.

Many people (women especially) are "fixers" and want to say something to help the grieving woman smile, or to feel some sense of justice and make sense of things.  I do understand that, and I appreciate the hope and desire to help in some way when they say those things, even if the words themselves cut deep.

The truth is that there is nothing that can be said that makes it okay. 

If you don't know what to say, sometimes its better to just tell the person that you know they're hurting, and that you're there for them. At least that has been my experience.  That is what I would suggest to anyone out there who ever finds themselves on the consoling end of a miscarriage.

I mention this only because having experienced this twice now, I can't explain the pain that comes from trying to shake off comments that sting so much.  I don't think that these people mean to hurt, and I do think they mean to offer healing words and thoughts to help.  I mention this only because I think its important to know that the emotions of a woman who lost her child are erratic and excruciating at best... and most women have a difficult time making sense of things at the time, if ever.  The best thing to do (in my opinion) is to just let them grieve and be there for them. 

I will say that as painful as it can be, it can also be healing to share your story if you have one.  It goes without saying that every experience is different, and even with MC-sisters to share your grief with, its important to note that everyone handles things differently.  That is OKAY.  It is good to know that you're not alone.... that *i'm* not alone.  As much as it pains me to think of others experiencing this, I feel much less secluded, and more free to grieve in a real way, knowing how others have felt and dealt with their pain. 

Sharing our stories also helps to spread awareness about miscarriage among both those who have and have not experienced it.  Its time that we stop looking at miscarriage as the unspeakable grief in our culture.  It is very real, and incredibly painful, and should be given the same understanding, patience, and honor in our society as all other types of grief (not that they are all cookie-cutter the same.... just that MC's deserve the right to be grieved in earnest, as is socially acceptable for other types of losses).

In an effort to do my part to de-mystify and humanize the process of going through this, I'm going to tell my story.  I will be honest. It isn't easy to write, and it probably won't be easy to read, but if you stick with me, hopefully we can work through some things, and maybe even help someone out there who has gone through this also, to feel less alone, to feel understood, to feel justified in her grieving and pain.

My first miscarriage was at the end of 2004.  We had just started trying to conceive our second child.  We were elated.  I felt like I bonded with the baby immediately.  We had names picked out.  We had told our family and friends (which, by the way, I still don't regret, even after all this).  We had told Abbi she was going to have a baby brother or sister.  We were planning, praying, dreaming...

On Dec. 24th I started bleeding.  On Dec. 30th the miscarriage was confirmed by blood test.  I was 7 weeks along.  For months and months I grieved.  It was so painful that I couldn't speak about it out loud without falling into heaps of sobs, so I just didn't.  I fell into a deep depression and wound up having to go on anti-depressants to make it through.

We named the baby Hope.  Kevin bought me a mother's ring with Hope's name, the date of her miscarriage, and her "birthstone" (dec) on it.  I wore it every day for years.  I still do, when I am particularly missing her, thinking about what color her hair would have been or how Anna would have loved playing with her four year old sister today at the park.  That part of the grief never leaves me.  It just sits quietly in the rafters of my mind until it hits me hard that someone is missing from this family of ours.

17 months after that miscarriage we had continued to try, and try, and try to get pregnant successfully.  Finally, Anna appeared as a little double line on an EPT. 

Then, in April we found out that we were expecting again.  We were shocked, and excited and nervous all in one.  I got sick... really really sick.  Sicker than I have ever been in my life.  I counted the days until I could get up out of bed without falling over, or be able to eat a meal without feeling like I had food poisoning.

Eventually the nausea passed, and I felt good.  I felt happy again, energetic, and started to really feel excited about the pregnancy, and began to bond with the baby more.  We were talking about names... we'd told our family and friends.  We'd gotten out the baby stuff from when we had Anna, watched our favorite pregnancy movies, and ooh'd and ahh'd over photographs of babies in the womb at 8, 9, 10, 11 weeks... We read about fetal development at every stage, how the heart was beating, the baby was sucking her thumb, how she could feel pain at this stage...

Kev left for his TDY out of state... I went to go visit mom with the kids... all seemed right with the world.

But somewhere, somehow, something went wrong.  I started bleeding.  I rushed to the hospital and got blood tests, urine tests, and a physical examination.  We listened for a heartbeat that wouldn't echo through the empty sounds coming from the doppler the nurse pushed around on my newly distending belly.

I was told things like "sometimes this just happens," and "let nature take its course."  But every cell in my body ached to hold on to the little life inside me.  It didn't feel like nature taking its course.  It felt completely unnatural.  Sick.  Wrong.

I went back to mom's house praying that this wasn't the end... maybe it was just random spotting, and everything would be fine.  I slept fitfully, and dreamed of fear, and being pregnant, and woke up to a stomach ache, as I cradled my youngest sleeping peacefully in my arms. 

I would have been 12 weeks exactly that day.  "The safety zone."

Over the next 20 minutes I started bleeding heavily, and having contractions that felt like nothing less than second stage labor.  My water broke.  I started sobbing, and soon after, the baby came. 

I know how difficult it is to read that part of the story. I'm shaking as I type it, trying to hold in the sobs so that I dont wake my sleeping family.  I am writing it only because I had no idea what a late first trimester miscarriage was like, and I think that as horrifying as it is, it is important for people to understand the TRAUMA that a woman has to deal with as a part of her grief as well.  It isn't only the sadness over the loss that she has to stomach day in and day out.  There is much, much more to it. 

As a result of this, we have also decided that we won't be having any more children. This was our last shot.  I can't risk even fearing this again, much less ever experiencing it.  Kevin agrees wholeheartedly.

I know that I can't, but if i could, I would just get a hysterectomy.... i hate my uterus right now.  I know that sounds weird, being that its an inanimate *organ* - but its how i feel.  I feel like my own body betrayed me, and worse, it betrayed my child... a child that was completely vulnerable and weak, that depended solely on me for protection, and that could feel pain.  I think that as irrational as this feeling is, its part of that wanting to scream to the world that this is just sick and wrong and shouldn't have happened. I'm angry and heartbroken and want it to stop.

I am trying so hard to handle the grief of it as best as I can, but I am also really struggling with the images and physical feelings I experienced and can't seem to shake them off of me no matter how hard I try.

I "want" to be back to normal.... I dont want to feel this deep all-encompassing grief life this.  Part of me wants to forget all about it and pretend nothing happened so I won't hurt anymore... and part of me wants to own every single piece of the pain and scream my grief from the rooftops.  I suppose this is that part of me right now.

I think in a lot of ways its better to verbalize it... to give these feelings a sense of solidity and value... It is "getting it out" in a way so that hopefully it doesn't just circle around and around your mind on a constant basis, leaving you feeling trapped in a world where you want to, and you don't want to, forget.   In the end you NEVER forget... but talking about the experience is almost a release in that for a moment you can stop feeling like you have to remember every bit of it all the time, because you can trust that someone else knows, and has heard, and the life you knew and loved won't be forgotten.

I have done my best to tell my story, but in the end there are no words to describe the anguish, confusion, and utter sadness that storms in my heart right now.  I pray for those of you who have never experienced it to never know this pain.  For those of you who have, we share a piece of our hearts with one another - missing pieces that can never be replaced, but that will never, ever, be forgotten.

If you made it this far, I thank you.  This is a story that needed to be told.  While we will be grieving and trying to heal this broken family here behind the scenes, I promise that I will try to get this blog back on track to its primary purpose soon...

With all sincerity,

~Kristin

Hi everyone, this is Rachel updating for Kristin.

Kristin wanted me to let all of her friends who read her blog to know that sadly, this morning, she lost her baby at twelve weeks along.

She is staying with her mother right now and coping the best that she can.  She will not be updating here for a while while she grieves and heals.

If you would like to send her a note or a well wish, she is asking that you please sned it to my email at [email protected] so that she can read them as she feels able to.  I will be saving these for her unread so you will have the strictest confidence.

Please send up positive thoughts and prayers for Kristin and Kevin and their girls Abbi and Anna as they begin to heal and mourn.

Thank you for your continued love, care, thoughts, prayers and kindness.