Thoughts.

I've been a bad blogger lately.  I'm sorry.  Truly. 

I've been trying to catch up on things around the house lately, like repainting fireplaces and scrubbing down baseboards.

I have also been completely sucked into the vast world of internet comics. I started with Queen of Wands and got hooked right away.  Then of course I had to read the sequel, Punch an' Pie.   I realize that I have stepped into a new level of net-nerd here, but truly the comics are awesome... artistic and fun, and good story lines too (with life lessons to boot).

This of course segues into the next thought on my mind (which fits with the "life lesson" going on in Punch an' Pie right now).  I am wondering where to go from here.  In life.

I have some long-term plans, sure.  I'm happy with my life, sure.  But I feel like maybe I'm in a bit of a rut.  Like maybe I'm not using my time as resourcefully as I could by doing something more meaningful or exciting. 

I have to wonder if that is something that everyone wonders at some point or another (or if you're like me, relatively often).  I think that maybe housewives have this happen more frequently as well, because even though what we "do" really IS meaningful and really does serve a purpose (an important one), and even though most of us CHOSE the life we have - the fact is that sometimes the days mesh together and hours that used to be spent learning or working or socializing are now spent folding 5 loads of laundry to be put into drawers where they will promptly be taken out, unfolded, dirtied, and shoved back in the laundry pile to begin the cycle again another tired day.

I don't think its a matter of "leaving my mark on the world" or a "midlife crisis" or anything like that (I'm 27!).  I just want to make the moments matter.  I want to feel like the things I choose to put my heart and my energy into are things that help to fulfill me and bring me happiness.  I don't want the days to mesh together anymore.

Don't get me wrong.  I do find value in being a housewife.  I don't want to give that up or change that.  I know that what I do every day matters to my family, sustains them, supports them, and is a physical manifestation of my love for them (and it does the same for me too - I live here after all!).  I have been putting more purpose and love into everything that I do around here and I can feel the difference.  My home is a place I enjoy being in.  Its a place I'm proud to have company in.  Its a place I am happy that my children can call theirs. Being a housewife is something I'm proud of and love to do.

Still, in the evenings, when I'm ready to slow down and get settled in, I begin looking back over the day and I feel like I missed something.  I feel like maybe there's something I should be doing... something to use my mind or talents that is getting ignored while the busy-ness of life goes on around me, and I just keep folding laundry and missing it.

But I don't know what IT is.

I've considered going back to school, but really it would just be for something to do.  Don't get me wrong, an education is an excellent thing, and I do love school, but I would have to take online classes (which would mean no socializing and lots of writing, which I can do, but don't relish in).  I could take physical classes in about 18 mos, so if I decided to go that route, I would wait until then at least.

I enjoyed working when I did, and we could use the money, but with summer coming up (with the changes in Abbi's school schedule), and our lack of available childcare, that remains a no. 

I'm going to keep thinking on what I could be doing... what could be missing... or if something even is.

Quite the conundrum. 

Do you ever feel that way?

Comments

[Kimberly Rae]

I so totally understand.... you know I'm here if you ever want to chat....

[Sarah]

I feel that way about once a year. I usally learn a new hobby or take a short class to learn something new. I hope that you are able to find what IT is for you.

[amanda fuentes]

Kristin, I could have just typed your blog post as my OWN, weird! I feel like I "missed something" most of the time at the end of the day or think during the day, isn't there something else I could be doing?... even if at that moment I'm cooking/cleaning/doing errands, etc. I keep telling myself w/ the new baby coming things will CHANGE and be more exciting or something, lol. We shall see!

[Karin]

I find that when I am feeling like this I am not taking enough time for myself. And that when I have the chance to take a little " me" time, I can come back and do the grunt work of being a sahm and enjoy and recognize the rewards of being home when they occur.

[Mandy]

I feel that way sometimes, which would be "strange" when you consider a) I work outside the home in two jobs and b) I DID go back to school as a housewife and got a degree. But it truly is a woman thing--it's not enough that we do so much, we always feel like we should be doing more. Yesterday I told J I felt "useless" because our home wasn't as clean as I'd like--working 30-40 hours has worn me out so that by the time I get home I just want to collapse. He couldn't believe that I could feel that way, being the sole breadwinner for our family. All this to say, it's not an unfamiliar feeling--and remember that you're always doing "something" even if you feel as though you're accomplishing little. =HUGS=

P.S. Try looking up UserFriendly and Unshelved. Two of my favorites. :-)

[Charlene T]

I know what you are saying! Our lives are so focused on our families, that it seems to become the description of who we are. It makes us wonder about our own individuality when it's connected to so many people. It's not necessarily that we want to put our own mark on the world, we just want to turn around and see that "that blip in the time line was me, I have a first and last name it's not just Mrs.Mom and I have accomplishments that I am proud of." Career women are more often introduced with their name first and perhaps an impersonal business connection or family relationship second, she has her own contacts and relationships within her business world that only know her unattached to her family unit, including lunch counters and offices. But a House wife always has their position in the home introduced with her name. "Hi, I'm Luke's mom, Charlene" to parents of the children my kids interact with and "This is my wife, Charlene" by my husband who introduces me to his fellow workers and friends. It's only once in a while, and only because I live in my Home town, that I go out and I'm known for who I was before I was married with children. It's those moments that I touch a little piece of sacred ground that lets me just be me.

[Puddytat purr]

Oh yeah, I feel like that a lot of the time. I think a lot of it is that we don't work and our lives revolve pretty much around our families.

You had such a hectic time around your last move and now things are calming down a bit and things are feeling a bit........boring?

I try to do one thing each week that does NOT involve my family, my dog, my knitting (if I'm making something for someone), anything to do with responsibility or family. Something just for ME! Even if it's informing everyone I'm going for a sauna shower (we have a steam cabin shower thing) and that they are not to disturb me on pain of death and angry Mum with pointy sticks! Obviously your kids a bit younger and need to be watched a lot more than mine, but could you arrange for someone to give you a break? Even if it's just an hour?

Summer is coming, the weather is improving and we can all get out in the fresh air more - I think we just need to MOVE and BREATHE, you know?

[Lily]

This may not be of any interest to you, but the folding laundry comment made me think of learning languages on tape.

I've also found other topics on tape, from economics to science to literature. It's kind of like listening to books on tape, but the good ones are designed to give you a real education on whatever topic you choose. Seems like one is called Great Lectures, they didn't just dig up some expert, they chose people who have students clamoring to get into their lecture classes because they teach so well. It's not a semester class, but in a few hours you know a lot of the basics of a subject than before, and you start hearing things differently when the topic comes up again.

I like the comment about not spending enough me time making one feel antsy. I usually find that I need some part of my brain stimulated, like the science side if I'm doing a lot of art/craft socializing and reading. It's like a muscle in my brain gets achey from disuse, lol.

Finding kids books or tapes on a topic you know nothing about could be a small version of it, not necessarily in depth learning for you, but it could be fun to stretch both age group's brains at the same time, and without taking time away from your sweet girls.

oh, yeah, and the language learning -- there was this great program called Quinta Linga, don't know if they are still around, but they do five languages at once, and teach using a lot of humor! Talk about stretching your brain!

In about five minutes listening to a radio piece on them, I learned to say "hello, peach. Thank you, mushroom!" in italian, japanese, and something else. It's been 20 years, and I still remember falling over laughing saying "ciao pesche, gracie fungo!" and I can assure you that's not something I've been practicing all this time.

My parents got a Quinta Linga magazine in the 60s that had little articles and stories, five versions next to each other. I found some on eBay, it's pretty fun to see how the languages are connected, but also very different.

Thanks for making me think of all those things. I have some major housework to get done in the next couple days, and I think I know how I'm going to make it more fun!

(tho it will probably be an Eddie Izzard cd from the library rather than an economics lecture this time around, lol, ---and where exactly is that box of magazines now.....)

I look forward to hearing the ways you find to scratch your itch.

[Dana]

YES, I feel the same way a few times a year, and I work outside the home (with no children).

I find that my personality leans towards helping others, when I'm in those moods. I'll often think about volunteering somewhere, something slightly outside of what I do day-to-day (like at a soup kitchen, or a crisis nursery, etc).

[Mary]

I somtetimes feel that way and I work. I took a job at a university so I could find out "what I want to do with my life." I've taken classes, had some fun, found a few things I DON'T want to do...but I'm still with you :)

[Lauri]

This could SO be my own blog post! I feel like this every single day, and I'm almost 43!

But I know after this past weekend..."We'll figure it out together!"

[Danna]

I think that we all feel like that from time to time.. I think it is because we all do have a great purpose and God put in us the need to find it. One of my favorite verses, have to share with you-- "Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands for us; yes, establish the work of our hands." Psalms 90:17. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings!

[Danna]

How funny--I decided to visit a few more blogs from your site and the one I chose was extreme adventures in motherhood. Her May 13 blog about the robin's eggs I thought went perfectly with your post. How the mommy robin knew that her purpose was to build a nest and create those beautiful babies--she built and rebuilt until it was fulfilled. God gives us the desires of our heart (I think this means he puts them there when we let him--not that we have them and he is our Aladin granting them. He gives us the right desires to have and then when we use His strength and work at those desires, when we are fulfilling what he put us here for, we are full, PURPOSEfull...!